Define Me, Destroy Me or Strengthen Me

I can let this define me, destroy me or strengthen me.

   The minutes tick slow, the people crowd in, 
my nerves ease up. For a while. 9:30 - there's been a slight delay, we begin at 9:35. I've never done a Cambridge exam and the paper format catches me off guard. I start chewing my gum, faster but eventually it fades into the background. I raise my hand, I don't know how to fill the 'component title' but the invigilator takes too much time, she's at the other end, so instead I peek opposite, a girl in a short skirt. 9:40, I've gotten off to an explosive start, I notice that part B in the first question is different from the previous ones. So I decide to do it at the end.

Wrong move.

Rhythmically my eyes take in the time

from the monstrous, green, blinking eyes in front of me. Ah my nemesis, or my saviour? I finish 80% of the paper in less than an hour. Yet my mind is clouded. I try to work out how much time I should spend on the rest. The clouds grow thicker. All routine gone. I breakdown. Panic. I finish the paper in the nick of time 9:48. 2 minutes to spare.

  But what good is finishing a paper if all you
wrote was gibberish? If you forgot to mention obvious key points? If you saw them later yet had neither the space nor the time to make amends? Truth is, it's a matter of shutting my eyes and spacing out from the world, literally.

   It's 9:00 the day before, having recognized
the importance of sleep before an exam I go
to bed early.

Wrong move.

My mind initially wanders into the prehistoric
age in 'A Space Odyssey 2001' then to a horror story, I nearly fall asleep.... Nearly. It's 12:00, after three hours of restlessness I figure out a neat trick, count backwards from 99 and reset when I hit the lower numbers. It works. But I wake up at 5:00. No turning back now.

My face is disfigured In the morning, an event
that is minisculed by my shocking malfunction. It has happened before and my no means is this the worst one. Twice I felt that I would end up with 0, Physics and Chemistry, twice I ended up with A's.

   I feel sleepy, even now, but the truth is........

I can let this define me, destroy me or strengthen me.

Define Me, Destroy Me or Strengthen Me

8:55 PM 9093, a levels, blog, cambridge, edexcel, english language, exam stress, gce, how to, igcse, o levels, passages, sleep, stress, study, writing

Fantasized Pick-Up Lines on a First Date

*tells her that I will be successful*


So Ashley, tell me....what do those beautiful marble eyes want to be, besides married to a rich, successful guy?
Hahaha, just kidding

Fantasized Pick-Up Lines on a First Date

12:16 AM blog, clever pick up lines, dating, first date, girl, hook her, love, online dating, pick up lines, smooth, tinder

Miracle Love Story (Hello Russians!)

Do girls like Italian guys? I could pretend to be, could very well live in Italy but their economy is taking tumble and besides I don't know Italian. There's this bigger picture which includes my ex. Saw her in a dream and can't get her out of my head. Last time we saw each other I had so much flaws.... So much.

 I'm better and improved now but I know that this is just the beginning there's a long way to go to achieve perfection in my own terms. I just don't know man sometimes, sometimes I dream up these really fancy and weird ideas, like what if by some miracle we bump into each other one day? Given that we currently live world's apart the chances are slim but give that I'm the type of person that would instigate and execute such a plan to make it look accidental it could happen. Then what? She's got a boyfriend or.... Well she would, no doubt but unless she's waiting for me??? Ahhhhhh no chance there as well but the last time we spoke we ended on a high and this time thinking about it I'm low. I mean I imagine, it would be the perfect fairytale if we meet in the future and then by some miracle ended up together, given the long history which intensified and climaxed in such a short amount of time it's hard to imagine what would come of us if we managed to sustain, namely if I can manage some stamina and focus on the long run. Argh this is grown up stuff man, thinking about the future but yet it's hard to feel irrelevant from this sort of thing because perhaps it happens to us all, perhaps many to all young people out there dream about the future. I want her.... For now. I hope that doesn't or does change. It makes me feel desperate but I've got choices, but my mind doesn't open up to let them in. If I focus on that goal now, it would drive me insane coz there's such a long way to go, so all I should do is focus on becoming the best and hopefully the best will become.

Miracle Love Story (Hello Russians!)

7:12 PM blog, boyfriend, chance, coincidence, dating advice, ex, fate, girlfriend, guys, italian, life, love story, miracle, modern, moscow, romance, russia, russian hot girls, russian love, women russia

Who should I Be? When Im 19

I know it's gonna come soon, bang, this September it's gonna hit me before I even know it. These days I constantly use the excuse 'hey I'm just 18' like when I drive the car and other drivers get angry or being in a social or responsible situation such as trying to guide or navigate a new surrounding. But I'm afraid that won't last very long. All these thing do serve as valuable experience and I'm grateful everyday for all the things I have in my life. But, ultimately age is just a number, it doesn't dictate how we look, who we are, or what we're supposed to be.

         I've seen countless people who look both younger and older than their age, I've been with people older than me who act like children and guys younger than me who are more manly than I am. I've been with this girl, who I'm privileged to call my ex, who by the age of 11 attempted suicide, 12 or 13 travelled alone in a flight and back, who was raised by a single mother given that their father was a movie director, oh cliché! But I'm not intimidate by that, it helps me learn, it shapes who I am, I observe all those people closely and pick up bits and pieces.

So, 19, I've still got time, but what is the most important thing I need to achieve in that time I asked myself today, who do I need to be by 19? Well it's simply, given my consequences all I can do is prepare for the future :

Bodybuilding
Learning another language
Improving my personality
Attitude
Looks
Intelligence
Athleticism

I guess if I can keep doing what I'm doing right now I'd tick all the boxes by the time I'm 19, coz in the end, what I really want is no regrets.

Who should I Be? When Im 19

6:18 PM birthday, blog, countries, dreams, experiences, girls, guy, love, personality, photography, places, resolutions, swag, teen, travel, what is my purpose, who am i, who do i want to be

Habits : How we pick them up

Man, it's been only two weeks and she's already influenced my behaviour. Like a monkey all I did was stare at her, why? Coz I'm allowed to, she's a German and all Germans do is stare at other people haha.
But getting back to the point, I honestly do think that she's got one of the best personalities in the world, i mean literally. She would go out of her way to thank people for things that they do to help her, and she would get anxious when someone gives her a present because she's 'not used to getting things' amazing huh?

Her attitude clearly rubbed off on me, and it's a good thing I'm willing to change, 18 and I still don't have a concrete personality, in fact I don't want one, I want to constantly evolve, improve myself and just get better day by day.

Yesterday I was at German class returning after nearly two weeks, I barely knew the guys there. During recess we went out to the cafeteria and started talking, I joined them quite late, so this guy had ordered three drinks and motioned for three more, I absolutely wasn't expecting him to buy me one as well, but naturally he did. I mean I barely knew the guy, so everyone got their drinks and started sipping and I did something I have never done before.

I went out of my way, raised my glass to him and said Thank You, quite honestly if it wasn't for Jewels I wouldn't have even bothered, I would've just sipped my drink silently as well, but I'm glad I did coz guess what it not only made me feel better but I'm guessing it made him too.

Meeting people like Jewels happens once in a lifetime I guess, a complete role model, I just wanted to be her, imitate her like a kid, I mean that's what kids do, they learn by looking at their role models, imitate them, take bits and pieces from here and there. But all this only happens if you're willing to change.

Habits : How we pick them up

6:30 PM bad, behavior, better, blog, change attitude, children, develop, good habits, habits, how to, imitate, kids, learn, monkeys, people, personality, role model

Beach Fun & Heartbreak

Had fun at the beach, aw it was awesome, funny thing though, there were a group of guys and they started hitting on the pair, right before I showed up with my abs, well honestly I was nervous of the dudes coz there were a lot of them, mid 20s or 30s I guess and they were much fatter than me as well, so yeah before I was my own pics I thought I was like a stick figure and was nervous that the guys might approach the gals. Haha haha but funny thing, they looked at me and was laughing sheepishly and amazingly back off, and yeah I said fuck it and acted like a wolf, or whoever staring down my prey, well we soon moved further left where all the foreigners were and fitted in quite nicely, I didn't talk with her until well, sis went out to a wash, and we both were laying on the beach, and I said 'Happy Valentines' don't think she heard me so she edged closer and told me all about how there was no Valentines in Germany. 😊😊😊 Ahhh Deutschland!

Then she left the next day, another country to be conquered I guessed and amazingly I did miss her, like what happens after every major event, happens to everybody, we spend so much time, so much effort on that big thing, it comes, its fun and after it ends, the next day you lay there wondering what to do with your life, your purpose and everything.

I didn't expect it to but it happened, another good thing came and went, it's the same dull life for me for six more months. I remember the last time I felt like this, was when I broke up with my ex whom I really really loved, she's so beautiful now, I regret that of course, but like those days, my mind had nothing to think about but her, the same thing happened this time around so yeah it's really saddening. I wondered about her life, her future and stuff like that, I feel like an idiot writing 'maybe we could go on a date someday' on her friendsalert book. Ahh but life, dunno what will 

             Hope she remembers how I busted a nut and told her she was beautiful out of the blue. She gave some letters to sis the last day, she'll never show them to me, I probably don't need her to, I'll see them for myself!

Beach Fun & Heartbreak

9:14 PM abs, airport, beach, bikini, blog, breakup, emotions, ex, farewell, fun, girls, heartbreak, hot guy, love, summer, travelling, trips, valentines, waves, world

Confidence : How to have More & Where do we get it from

Last year I discovered my hair had started receding, and I loathed over how high my confidence would've been if only I had a complete hairline. The year before that I couldn't stand the fact that I was so sunburnt, and the year before that I was too skinny.

Enter : A 19 year old German girl, skinny, 6"1, bucketloads of confidence.


                           So the mystery was, where does she get her confidence from? And where did I loose mine. To start off with let me ask myself, where did I get my confidence from? as a child  its probably when I was surrounded by all my relatives, and they would compliment my cuteness, and i would get most of the attention since I was the youngest of my family. It was that, that inspired me to dream high and raise the bar as to who I wanna be. So I guess that that built my self-esteem from the ground up, and thankfully I had quite a few episodes of bullying at school, I always considered myself good looking even though I didnt really have any solid reason apart from the fact that we started a hip hop group and would make all sorts of music videos, Ahh but then my best friends left, that little group of security was unlocked and and people dispersed. I had to find refuge in another group which was okay but most of the time just infuriating since the only person I hung out with behaved, well, almost like a child and I would find myself in all sorts of uncomfortable situations that never really stopped until school ended. It was never his fault really, it was because there were so few in our class that finding someone like me was impossible at best.


             Insecurity chipped away at me day by day and whenever we took family photos id always blame the cameras for looking bad, but then came the German, we took photos with her and I realised it was not the cameras but in fact the fault was with me. It all came crashing down, this castle of false confidence. It was really hard the next few days, went through a turmoil of emotions, posed several times in front of the mirror and what not. But somehow amazingly when it came to talking with girls, maybe flirting I found that there was no confidence lost. I asked myself why that night, and realised it was because I had always considered myself a good flirt and back in school some people called me a player. 

            So in conclusion, with rock hard evidence I might not look as good you might expect my confidence to drop rock bottom, but miraculously it didnt. Why? Its because its all in the mind, we condition ourselves by how people around us behave, coz whenever I talk to girls Id see them smile and think hey I must be good at this, even if im not. So even if I had my pants split and saw the girl smiling it would quite literally, give me confidence. 

             As is the case with the German, when I saw pictures of her before she arrived I thought she was a total social reject, I had already judged her like society would. But I was blown away by her confidence, her willingness to participate, explore and how she built her life around her self-esteem, honestly, how many tall girls can you name with low self-esteem who would blame it on nothing else but being too tall? What's more she even crouches a bit, does she mind? Fuck no! Do I? Fuck no, why? Coz she rocks it, yeah confidence is attractive. So what can you do to gain more? Stop blaming the consequences and instead focus on how you react to the consequences, for ex :- stop saying you have a fat nose, long jaws, short hair etc... instead accept it, embrace it, use it, love it, and guess what, others WILL find you attractive!  

Confidence : How to have More & Where do we get it from

6:44 PM attractive, beautiful be, blog, confidence, girls problems, guy problems, hack, happy, how more attractive, live life, more self confidence, self-esteem, social reject, solution, tips, ugly